It was a sense of restlessness. Something was missing. I’d worked on my Core Values. I had a great personal Mission Statement. I was studying interesting things and trying new ways of being me. But I wasn’t settling down. Things just weren’t right.
I was starting to question myself. Those big, capital Q questions.
Who am I? What am I meant to be doing? What is my purpose in this life?
Even after all this self-development and a regular meditation practice I had been committed to for several years, I still wasn’t sure. I’m well read and I’m addicted to self-development podcasts. I’m educated with University Degrees and I’m a qualified Counsellor and have been in well paying, senior positions for 20 years. But I still felt somewhat empty.
It was like there was something I needed to know, it was over my right shoulder, in the corner of my eye. But each time I turned toward it, it dissolved.
I think it’s trying to tell me something, trying to give me some direction. Through my meditation practice I am able to get to know it a bit better. Through this practice I learn that this presence is afraid to show itself to me because it’s fearful of not being accepted by me.
I am not allowing the presence to be seen and understood because I too, am fearful.
Fearful of what it’s trying to show me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like it’s a calling…my calling. It’s right there – the thing that I’ve been longing for, the answer to that question “What am I here for?”.
Finally as I’m nudging the big five O! What I’ve been searching for, seemingly is at my fingertips. Some clarity, it’s right there. But I can’t bring myself to look at it, to allow it to be seen. To do so scares the daylights out of me.
It scares me because what if it means making big decisions, making big changes, leaving behind my life as I know it. What if it means I might fail? What if it means I’m already doing what I’m meant to be doing?
No. Nope. Nada. I can’t let this presence be understood. I can’t let it be seen right now. I’m not ready. I turn away from it.
And then there it is again. Out of the corner of my eye, I see it, I sense it. It’s relentless and it’s staying with me. One day I’m going to turn toward it. Lean into it. Ask it what it needs me to know, reassure it that I will accept it and not turn a blind eye to what it’s telling me.
One day. Soon.
But not today.
“Let your life be your message” Mahatma Gandhi