Mind your Language – How our words affect our life

How we speak, to ourselves and to others, can have a significant impact on our lives and our perspectives.  It’s time to be a little more conscious and mind our language.  

It is true – our thoughts become things.  What we focus on intensifies.  Our language affects us.  

I love to listen to podcasts on my commute to the office and I try really hard not to get caught up buying the books of every person I hear interviewed on my favourite shows.  But this day, listening to Alicia Dunams on Mark Shapiro’s Are you Being Real? podcast, I couldn’t help myself and I hit Amazon to purchase Alicia’s book as soon as I stopped driving.

Unlike some of my other impulse book purchases, when this one arrived, I dove straight in to it.  It seemed not only inviting, it was also small and looked pretty manageable.  The book is called “I Get To” and is focused on how using the right words can radically transform our lives, relationships and businesses.

Well I’m so happy I exchanged my time to read this book.  “I Get To” –  is full of great advice, stories and anecdotes and I found it very action oriented with small things I could start doing immediately to improve the way I used language, both out loud and in my head.

Now to be clear, I have no affiliation with Alicia Dunams, or with this book in any way – except that I brought it and read it.  So I am only recommending it to you because I really loved it!

There are many gems in this book however I am going to focus on the top three that really landed for me. The ones that I’m taking in to my life every day.

 

Mind your language - tin can communication
What are we telling ourselves?

“I Get To”

So let’s start with the title of the book – “I Get To”.  By changing our language we can also change our perspective.  The basic premise here – and it’s not new – is to approach our language with a pivot from “I should” or “I have to” to using “I get to” instead.  I’m trying this and I can tell you, it definitely changes how I perceive what I’m telling myself and others.  I get to rise early and go to the gym.  I get to go to work today.  I get to cook dinner for my loved ones.  I get to spend time on things that light me up. I  get to do the washing.

I’ve even added to this myself by committing to reduce my use of the word “should” and replace it with “could”.  I could go to the gym.  I could have done that differently. 

Mind your language.  

“Yes, if”, instead of “No, because”

The premise here is that generally speaking, ‘No’ is followed by an excuse whereas ‘Yes’ is followed by a possibility.  So instead of ‘no because’, a ‘yes if’ can change your focus from obstacles to opportunities.  I’m committed to using this in a few corporate meetings to see how it goes over and what it brings.  

Mind you, I am a firm believer in the ‘Hell Yes or it’s a No’ concept- if we are in fact a definite No – then we should honour that – no excuses necessary.

“I’m committed to..” vs “I’m trying to..”

I’m trying to give up smoking, I’m trying to exercise every day.

I have a tendency to keep promises I make to others much more stringently than I do the promises I make to myself.  Gretchen Rubin calls this the Obliger tendency.  You can take her quiz here to see what your tendency is.

I realised that (maybe because of this tendency), I knee-cap my commitments to myself by using the word ‘try”.  That way, if I fail, well….I tried.  A cop out really isn’t it?  Making a commitment to myself however, well they’re strong words and they come with accountability.

So that’s my goal, from now on I’m going to try, I mean from now on I commit, to changing my language from “I’m trying to” to “I’m committed to”.

 

Mind your language - Time for Change
Committed to change

A simple and easy read

There are in all, around 40 tips in the book.  It’s a bite sized, easy read and a really good reminder about how our language, and the actual words we use, if we are intentional, can transform our mindset and our communication with others.

So – the lesson I took away – mind your P’s and Q’s – mind your language and notice the difference it can make in your life.  I’d recommend this read – I’m sure, like I did, you’ll get something from it.

“Let your life be your Message” Mahatma Gandhi

Written by Michelle McFadyen

Michelle is the founder of Life Support Australia. She is a writer, an adventurer and a traveller, a corporate leader, a student and a teacher. A Strengths Profiler, Conflict and Strengths Coach, qualified Counsellor and Positive Psychology Practitioner,  Michelle’s focus during her extensive career in senior executive positions in the corporate and public sector has always been on people.

Michelle loves to hike and travel and makes this a priority in her life. Her experiences include annually guiding groups across the Kokoda Track in Papua New Guinea, summiting Mt Kilimanjaro in Africa and Mt Kinabalu in Borneo and trekking to Everest Base Camp in Nepal. A solo 920km pilgrimage across Spain has kept those fires alive, along with a recent hike across the Kumano Kodo Pilgrimage route in Japan.

Learn more about Michelle on the Life Support Australia About page.

 

 

Getting to know, and question, your fears – Part 1

Have you taken the time to get to know your fears? 

All of us have fears.  Some are evolutionary fears, like the fear of the dark and looming objects. We see horror movies making the most of these fears through selective lighting and “jump scares.” Some fears are more personal fears brought on by an experience, often early in life, that then stay with us submerged in our hearts and minds.  These fears can be fears inherited from our family history or shared experience.  Some of these fears seem to be logical fears (the fear of snakes for instance) and some seem less logical (the fear of butterflies). Regardless of how we gained them, these fears are a part of us and can be triggered without warning.  What follows then is usually a trip down a well prepared response path including physical, mental and emotional reactions

As we progress down the path of living mindfully it becomes important to question all of our unthinking reactions and our fears often fall into this category.  Often our fear exists in the background waiting for a trigger and in those cases it can spring upon us quite suddenly and with great intensity.  Before we know it we have reacted without thought and then our mood, our day and possibly the days of those around us have been affected. Yet often we don’t know why we react and simply accept our fears as an ever present part of our lives.

 

crow
Know your fears

Can your fears be a positive presence in your life? 

One of the most powerful things we can do for ourselves is to get to know our various fears and understand our “pre-programmed” reaction to them.  In this case we can view our fears as an opportunity to get to know ourselves better rather than something that is negative and to be avoided.  It can lead not only to self-exploration but also discussions with family to discover the long lost reasons for reacting a certain way or avoiding certain circumstances.  This then presents an opportunity to be free of ingrained behaviours or at least to be more understanding of ourselves when we do react in a certain way.   

To use myself as an example, one of my enduring fears is my fear of heights.  This fear develops in most children once they begin to move around more on their own.  In my case I believe that this was enhanced by a few early childhood events which has increased my reaction.  Over many years this reaction has become ingrained and I simply accepted it for a long time as a “normal” part of my life.  This fear can cause me discomfort if I find myself suddenly exposed to heights but it can also greatly increase my enjoyment of life by adding an adrenaline rush to my activity or by giving me a sense of accomplishment as I work through the fear to achieve my goals. 

While on holiday recently I was walking across a high multi-use bridge, in order to see the sights on the other side.  In the distance I could see a tram coming towards me and so I moved away from the tracks.  As I crossed away from the tram’s path I happened to look down and realised I could see through the bridge.  At the same time the bridge began to wobble and sway due to the motion of the oncoming tram.  My reaction to this combination of events was to become literally “weak at the knees” as my fear suddenly leapt into being.  I felt light headed, my legs grew tingly and weak, my heart rate accelerated and I found myself fighting against my fear and not enjoying myself as I had been only seconds before.

I was amazed at the strength of my reaction and so took a moment to explore what had happened.  I was faced with the logic that it was a strong, metal bridge, over which travelled the city trams on a regular basis. In another more reactive part of my brain I was trying to deal with the sure knowledge that the bridge was going to collapse and I needed to turn and run as fast as I could.  Needless to say I was very happy to get to the other side of the bridge and on the return journey we walked across a lower level and my fear did not resurface. 

 

bridge and shoes
Know your fear – mine is heights

What opportunities does your fear give you?

Having crossed back with no issues I reasoned that I had an excellent opportunity to better understand my fear and so hopefully reduce my reaction to it.  This was not just for personal learning and development, but also driven by the fact that I would be climbing the highest peak in Iberia in a week and I really need to prepare myself if I was to be able to complete, and more importantly enjoy, that climb.  Exposure to heights is a process I go through before every climb and normally over a period of months I can become comfortable enough with heights to get onto a mountain, after which my love of climbing comes to the fore and I am fine.  In this case I had only days to overcome my newly awakened fear so that I could undertake the climb – and so the challenge was set. 

The first step to achieving this goal was in answering the following questions.  We can all ask ourselves these questions as we begin to explore our fears and continue down our path of self-knowledge and acceptance:

Do you really know what your fears are?

Do you know why you have them?

Are you prepared to get to know them better?

How could you explore them in a way which still leaves you feeling safe?

What benefits would you receive through knowing your fears?

In part two of this blog next week I’ll take you through the process I undertook to answer these questions and you’ll find out whether or not I was able to come to terms with my fear and reach the summit!  

“Let your life be your message” Mahatma Gandhi

Peter McFadyen

Why you should take yourself on a date

I see you over there. Glancing at me with that ‘I feel sorry for you’ look on your face. Stop it. Don’t feel sorry for me.

I see you staring. Wondering why I’m dining alone. I can almost see the pity on your face.

Even though I actually really love to dine alone, in the past from time to time, I’d still take a book because I cared that other people might think I was a Nigel no friends and didn’t have anyone to eat with.

These days – well, I don’t care. But people still stare at me.

The truth is, sometimes I prefer to eat alone. In fact, its part of my self care routine.  Every Friday (well almost every Friday) I take myself to lunch, by myself, at one of the many cafes near my office. I cherish this time to myself. Sometimes I’ll take a book and have a read, but mostly I just sit and people watch and enjoy my food and just….well….just be.

 

lunch alone self care
Lunch alone – a form of self care

Not always of course. I’m a people person. I love people. My people. New people.  I love me too, and I’ve learnt over the years to love my own company.

When I travel, I love nothing more than exploring a new city and finding somewhere to have my dinner – alone. Of course, not every night, but some nights. I find it re-energises me.

So stop staring at me like I have two heads. I can see you doing it even though you’re trying to pretend you’re not. Seriously, don’t feel sorry for me – I am in one of my happy places right here, right now, eating my food, sitting in the sun and enjoying my ‘me’ time.

 

When was the last time you took yourself on a date?

Annually I also take myself away on a silent meditation retreat for 6 days. There are other people there of course, and the thing that keeps me coming back is that no-one can speak to me – for 6 whole days! I can see as I write this that it might sound a little selfish, or crazy.

 

mediation self care
Self care and self inquiry through silence

Now I love a good chat, probably more than the next person, and I love connecting with people, and I also love this 6 days in silence, where I don’t speak to anyone and no-one speaks to me.

I’m starting to realise that I’m not an either/or person, but rather an ‘and’ person. I love eating with friends and also alone, I enjoy 6 days of silence and I enjoy connecting with people.

It’s all about balance.

 

When was the last time you took yourself away?

When was the last time you took some time to get to know yourself?

I highly recommend taking yourself on a date once in a while and even, if you’re up for it, taking yourself away from time to time.

And if you get the ‘I feel sorry for you eating/holidaying alone’ look, just smile back knowing that you’re doing what you want to do, spending quality time with yourself, getting to know yourself better and letting yourself just ‘be’ for a while.

“Let your life be your message” Mahatma Gandhi.

Drop the comparison and get back in your own lane

 

“The comparison of others leads to disappointment. The comparison of self leads to improvement” ― Avina Celeste

I walked 96km. He walked 25 metres.

It’s like comparing apples with oranges isn’t it?

I remember the day very clearly. It was the day I returned from Papua New Guinea after having successfully hiked the Kokoda Track for the first time – a gruelling 96km through the jungles of the Owen Stanley Ranges.  He picked me up from the airport. My friend Bill that is.

Bill is an amazing human being that I’d known for many years. Initially we met professionally, but very soon became friends. Good friends at that. He picked me up from my flight and I was heading to his place for the weekend to catch up and to celebrate my epic achievement.

As we drove out of the airport he looked at me and said “I walked 25 metres today”.

I was speechless.

“You, you what?” I managed to get out.

With a grin bigger than a Cheshire cat he looked at me again, “I walked for the first time in 3 years. It was the hardest 25m I have ever walked, but I did it”.

Rewind a few years and Bill found himself flying over the edge of a mountain – with his Harley Davidson still between his legs and heading for a tree and a very steep ravine.

His wife had been his pillion but she was already off the back of the bike, tumbling down the slope.

Clearly this wasn’t in the plan for that day’s riding.

It was horrible. Just horrible, and each day I’m grateful that they both survived. I won’t focus on the details here suffice to say, Bill and his wife spent many, many months in hospital and subsequent rehabilitation. Bill, the doctors were adamant, was a paraplegic and would never, and they meant never, walk again. It was not a possibility they would entertain.

Well Bill had other ideas. He always had other ideas. Bill wanted to walk again.

I sat in the car grinning back at him. “Did you film it?” I said, “because that is something I want to see!”.

Bill was excited to hear about my trek across the iconic Kokoda Track and while I was super pleased with myself for having achieved this feat, I was truly more inspired by his 25 metre walk.

It was all the more poignant because I knew that his ultimate dream was greater than that. His dream was to dance with his wife again at a special event we had coming up the next year.

While I went on to continue trekking and to walk the Kokoda Track again the next year, Bill continued to commit and work hard to get himself into a position where he could fulfil his dream. He worked harder than I could ever imagine.

And then the night came. It is etched on my memory forever and still, as I recall it, brings happy tears to my eyes.

He tentatively moved himself out of his wheelchair with the aid of a few friends, under the stars, with the band playing, and took his wife’s hand as they stood together and danced, for the first time in years.  In the loving arms of his wife, and surrounded by loving friends, Bill danced an entire song, as he’d promised himself and his wife, he would do.

It’s ok.  Take a moment.

Do you ever get caught up measuring your success against others? Watching the highlight reels of others lives on social media and thinking you’re lacking, not achieving enough, not as successful as them? You post to social media your latest achievement only to see in your news feed that your high school nemesis has just one-upped you and done it one handed?

Yeah, me too.

“Comparison is the death of joy” ― Mark Twain

What Bill taught me, and continues to teach me even though he doesn’t even know he does, is that our success is not measured by comparison to anyone else’s success or anyone else’s version of what success should look like.

 

comparison stay in your own lane
Stay in your own lane – determine what success looks like for you

I determine what success means to me. I determine what’s important to me and what my goals will be. There is no comparison necessary against norms or against any other person. I own my definitions of success and no-one can take these from me.

You own your definition of success too – only you know what that looks like for you.

Bill owns his definition of success as well.

 

“If you pay attention to your ranking and comparison to others, you are competing with others.  If you ignore them, you can aim for the stars” Khang Kijarro Nguyen

I walked 96km. Bill walked 25 metres and danced with his wife. We both achieved an amazing feat and we both did it through hard work, determination and commitment. We both had a goal. Our goals were different but they were our own goals – ones we worked hard to achieve. We each determined what success meant for ourselves.

Where are you comparing your successes and who or what are you comparing them to?

Drop us a line below if you’d like to share.

By the way, Bill is one of my heroes. So is his wife.

“Let your life be your message” Mahatma Gandhi.